(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
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I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Spotted in New Orleans.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no