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My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah