A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
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I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
PLOT TWIST:
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.