When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
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John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think