Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
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I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Okay, I’m still confused…
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
dutch is not a serious language
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
A classic…
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.