A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
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my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.