A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
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Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
No Google it does not
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Um … Hot Wings please
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.