A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
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My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work