@YesImMatt: A woman could tweet "My dog just died" and she would get replies like "Well, I'm not dead ;)"
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@MarlonBrandNO: [Baby trying to say first words] Baby: b..bu Me: cmon son Baby: bu..bu..s Wife: Yes sweetheart Baby: Bush did 9/11 Me[tearing up]: He knows
@Mr_Kapowski: Contrary to what my voicemail will lead you to believe, I am in fact not sorry for missing your call
@curlymalloy: Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???... Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: I'm way tougher than you. Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural. Me: So? Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.