A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
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“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.