A woman drives into a bar.
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No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
I’m having an out of money experience.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”