A woman drives into a bar.
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Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.