god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
You Might Also Like
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.