Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
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Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?