A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
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me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.