A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
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Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things