@SufficientCharm: A woman isn't really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
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@Smug_Lemur: *at psychic reading* Psychic: you probably think you're wasting your time Me: Ooh you're good
@Anon_imosity: [walks into bookstore] Me: do you have any books on turtles? Worker: Hard back? Me: Yeah, with little heads.
@Carbosly: Apparently saying "If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby" is not a good way to congratulate someone.
@AnkCoupleTO: *at lawyer's office* Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she's seeing a surgeon *idiot wife pops out from under desk* that's so not true!