A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
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Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.