I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
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It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
The sacred texts.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
spot the difference
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?