A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
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A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Am I having a stroke?
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.