A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
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CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
*praying for world peace*
God:
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?