A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
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On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….