Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
You Might Also Like
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.