The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”