A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
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I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in