A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
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MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out