A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
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Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Merry Christmas
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him