@RobinMcCauley: A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
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@longwall26: The Story of Volcanos God: Ok, how about a mountain.. Angel: We got mountains. God: Lemme finish. That shits fire. Angel: Metal. *fist bump*
@chewlongkok_: Me: C'mon, baby. Just the tip? Her: No! Me: Awww, cmon! Her: No, you're paying the whole bill this time.
@CherBear162: I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
@WilliamRodgers: [Bruce Willis on his deathbed] Bruce: Viagra! Dr: Bruce this isn't the time- Bruce: Give me...a Viagra! Dr: Ok *Bruce Dies...Hard*