… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
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I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.