@GloriaFallon123: A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I'm "not afraid to eat bread"--so I'm done with socializing for at least a year thanks
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@justabloodygame: [shopping for make-up] "Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?" "I know exactly what you need." [boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
@hipstermermaid: Donald Trump is like the "Scream" movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
@weinerdog4life: Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.