@Kimpulses: A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
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@Underchilde: Stop, drop and roll if your clothes are on fire or if you spot your ex under the mistletoe.
@ceejoyner: Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
@murrman5: did your friends rob that bank? "I'll never talk" I forgot that you're prejudice against robbers "what?!? some of my best friends rob banks"