Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
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there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
sistine chapel
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.