(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
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I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?