A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
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One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Animal poetry
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.