A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
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Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice