I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
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Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Tough love is true love
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
i’m sure it’s fine
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
🙋♀️