A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
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scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt