A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
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I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.