My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
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bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done