A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
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Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.