A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Should I call tech support or pray or what
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next