A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
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Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls