“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
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Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…