Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
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I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
#NeverForget
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Pot warmers of the day.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages