A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
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Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.