@FloodyHippie: A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn't scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
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@TheUnseenMe: You know that warm feeling you get when you look at your spouse? It's called acid reflux.
@TheCatWhisprer: [1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving] PEOPLE: won't be me [1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball] PEOPLE: you never know
@StellaRtwot: I like to yawn in front of people so they yawn and then I can say "You're tired I should go."
@notalogin: Wife: You're shirtless? *nods* W: And covered in...oil? -Well, you know how you always say I never glisten? W: Listen. You never listen. -Oh