A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
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I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
A short story of betrayal:
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine