Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
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It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road