AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
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*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
The French cow says MEUX…
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.