It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
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@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
I just tested negative for patience.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now