AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
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police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Made something I’m not proud of
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*