“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
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No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
even bears disappoint their mothers
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast