@daplusk: "AAAAHH EARTHQUAKE!
Oh good, now it is snowing"
- If I lived in a snow globe.
@XGibbons: Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
2: He ate 3 campers
@Gre_Gone: [Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don't shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
@amydillon: When you have kids, "sleeping in" is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
@GermanFreckles: The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.
@Tbone7219: Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I'm $10,000 in debt.