@daplusk: "AAAAHH EARTHQUAKE!
Oh good, now it is snowing"
- If I lived in a snow globe.
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don't like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
@ch000ch: ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
@Sickayduh: This girl won't stop crying because I told her that selfie filters wear off in 6 months.
@CarpentersCrack: Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing.... A woman.
@3sunzzz: I occasionally call my son when he's with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.