@daplusk: "AAAAHH EARTHQUAKE!
Oh good, now it is snowing"
- If I lived in a snow globe.
@Ndeshi_M: I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don't have to talk to them.
@facciabella: An astronaut squirrel, a snail that meows, crab with a whale as a daughter. Dear creators of spongebob, pass the drugs.
@Playing_Dad: Daughter: Daddy, why do you have to go to work everyday?
Me: Do you like clothes?
Daughter: Not really
Me: Shut up
@coketruck76: Pal: That's an impressive stingray. How'd you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
@wickedsuga: alarm (noun)
-a device commonly used in the morning to invent new curse words.