Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
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A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.