Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
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Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.